I decided to browse the Lion Brand website in search of patterns, and I came across this:
This is the Fringed Jeans Embellishment. This costs $15, not counting the jeans. (Not, I hope, that anyone sees this and rushes out to buy a brand new pair of jeans to “embellish.”)
I have finally found something worse than endless scarves.
Jean fringe. But not just any jean fringe, oh no! Vertical jean fringe. Because looking like a hippie is so passé. Now we must look like professional wrestlers. Really confused 1980s pro wrestlers who don’t realize they’re off-duty.
There is also a more conventional Fringed Jean Jacket Embellishment to be had, but it lacks the WWE-brand horror of the pants fringe. Fringe on jackets is, after all, nearly a time-honored tradition if you’re a buckle bunny. But this, this is something new and unique.
Actually, a lot of the patterns Lion Brand has to offer are just…just…They want me to make fun of them, right? They’re throwing these patterns out there so I can sharpen my woeful humor-writing skills. Please tell me that’s it, because if I’m actually supposed to want to buy their yarn and make these things…Nah, can’t be.
As I said, though, there are the usual crochet pattern offenders, the ones that make me yearn once again for my grandmother’s crochet. You’ve got the obligatory mangy garment, the skinned Tribble headwarmer, the psuedopatriotic flag-themed junk, the conehead disguise (Make one in white. I dare you.), the perfect hat to wear to your I Love the ’90s viewing party, something to ensure your daughter quits speaking to you the moment she turns 18, and of course twenty thousand freaking scarves for those crocheters terrified of ever increasing or decreasing.
But Lion Brand, being a huge yarn company, goes above and beyond the call of duty:
Hairy palms without the fun.
The most passive-aggressive way to break up with your boyfriend, ever.
Proof not all gay men have taste.
Maybe I was wrong about those mittens.
Scarlett had her curtains. You have your bath mat.
Don’t worry, no one will find your maxi pads if you hide them in this.
Cheaper than in-patient psychatric treatment.
Truly make granma thankful this ain’t her crochet.
At least they got to be stoned the last time this was in style.
Irony: Barbie is ready for her knitting group in her crocheted poncho! You can even make eye pokers, err, I mean knitting needles. Out of Japanese toothpicks.
If that scarf pattern is too confusing…
But for all that, there is one pattern that is worse:
Not only is this hat ugly, this hat is mean. Why? Because it’s the Cheery Chemo Cap. As if it’s not bad enough to have cancer and lose all your hair, you should now cover it up with this.
For the record, this isn’t the first time I’ve noted the meanness of a hat intended for the less-fortunate. But this strikes close to home, as my mother-in-law was treated for colon cancer this year, and she crochets. Poor Jan, she’s got no idea how lucky she is that I love her. ‘Cause if I didn’t, I could do this to her, and insist that she wear it to show her apprecation!